I doubt anyone will read this and I’m ok with this. I just need to get it off of my chest.
Since I was about 12 or 13, maybe even younger. I’ve always felt unloved, disliked and just overall empty. It made me hateful. I only cared for myself. I never let anyone in, I hated everyone, and I never felt good enough for anyone.
It made me take a lot of things for granted. I had never been able to show how I was feeling even in those brief moments of happiness. It made me lose some great friends and even the love of my life.
I sought help a couple years ago after it was finally affecting my work and my relationships with my co-workers. It really helped with dealing with it or at least helping it subside and find better ways to handle situations.
I have been doing well, but it’s been slowly creeping back and I didn’t realize how it was affecting things until people would randomly ask if I was ok, and the love of my life told me not too long ago that she wasn’t strong enough to be in a romantic relationship with me. She’s still my friend but everything that has happened was a trigger for it to come back and I don’t know how to handle it anymore.
She told me a couple of nights ago that I need to start putting my needs in front of those that matter to me.
I can’t do that. I refuse.
That’s how I hurt so many people in the past and I can’t stand doing that to those that matter the most to me. I’ll just continue to do what I do best. I manage. I survive. It’s what I’ve done for 10+ years.
Dealing with heartbreak and inexplicable loneliness and emptiness is not a good combination. I can barely even look at myself or talk to others when I get home now and I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know how much more I can take, before I finally have a breakdown and shut everyone out again and I’m afraid of it.