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How much more can one person take?

I doubt anyone will read this and I’m ok with this. I just need to get it off of my chest.

Since I was about 12 or 13, maybe even younger. I’ve always felt unloved, disliked and just overall empty. It made me hateful. I only cared for myself. I never let anyone in, I hated everyone, and I never felt good enough for anyone.

It made me take a lot of things for granted. I had never been able to show how I was feeling even in those brief moments of happiness. It made me lose some great friends and even the love of my life.

I sought help a couple years ago after it was finally affecting my work and my relationships with my co-workers. It really helped with dealing with it or at least helping it subside and find better ways to handle situations.

I have been doing well, but it’s been slowly creeping back and I didn’t realize how it was affecting things until people would randomly ask if I was ok, and the love of my life told me not too long ago that she wasn’t strong enough to be in a romantic relationship with me. She’s still my friend but everything that has happened was a trigger for it to come back and I don’t know how to handle it anymore.

She told me a couple of nights ago that I need to start putting my needs in front of those that matter to me.

I can’t do that. I refuse.

That’s how I hurt so many people in the past and I can’t stand doing that to those that matter the most to me. I’ll just continue to do what I do best. I manage. I survive. It’s what I’ve done for 10+ years.

Dealing with heartbreak and inexplicable loneliness and emptiness is not a good combination. I can barely even look at myself or talk to others when I get home now and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know how much more I can take, before I finally have a breakdown and shut everyone out again and I’m afraid of it. 

keythecoward:

bluediamond-og:

horchata-princess:

mi-shellvp:

estasfuera:

“A little bit of Monica in my life,
A little bit of Erica by my side,
A little bit of Rita is all I need,
A little bit of Tina is what I see,
A little bit of Sandra in the sun,
A little bit of Mary all night long,
A little bit of Jessica, here I am…”

If you don’t know this reference, you’re definitely too young for me. 

bless

Lmao yesss

I am seventeen and understood the reference because my music taste goes beyond anything and just plops into everything

karerawrs
You know damn well someone took their sweet ass time just to do this xD

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